WHY YOU SHOULD ROOT FOR THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
In case you have not figured it out by now, the New England Patriots are basically the evil Galactic Empire. Bill Belichick (a.k.a Emperor Hoody) is the hooded, droopy-faced Emperor, Tom Brady is Darth Vader and the rest of the Pats and their deflated footballs are the stormtroopers. If there is evil in the world of the NFL, it resides in Foxborough.
In Super Bowl XLIX, the Empire will be taking on the Seattle Seahawks in their sixth Super Bowl in the past 15 seasons, and everyone should be rooting against them.
Seriously, non-New Englanders rooting for the Patriots in this game probably hate puppies and tacos.
Perhaps the number one reason for hatred in all of life is jealousy, and boy, do the Patriots incite plenty of that. Nobody in the NFL has been as successful over the past 14 years as the Pats — three Super Bowl wins, nine AFC Championship Game appearances and two cheating scandals without any real repercussions. They even won 11 games with Matt Cassel at quarterback one year. Yes, that Matt Cassel. Much like DJ Khaled, all they do is win, win, win, no matter what.
Sure, they lost to the other Manning twice in the Super Bowl. The Helmet Catch happened in one of those games, ending the Patriots perfect season. But then again, New England has been front-and-center of the two biggest cheating scandals of the past decade and has three Super Bowl rings since the turn of the millennium, so do not spend too much time crying your eyes out for Pats fans.
Did I mention they have been caught cheating more than all other teams in league combined? Oh, I did? Ok, cool. Just making sure.
Emperor Hoody is commended for his in-season moves and disciplinary actions, like benching running back Jonas Gray for being late for practice one day and replacing him with recently signed team-quitting, opponent-punching LaGarrette Blount. Only the classiest of organizations would do something like that.
As for Darth Brady — let somebody else get some of life’s finer things already. He is married to one of the most famous supermodels on earth, has made tens of millions of dollars playing football and gets all the free Uggs he wants. The last thing the man needs is another Super Bowl ring to add to his collection. His jewelry box is probably full anyway.
Even the Pats’ “lovable” players are dirty, rotten scoundrels. Goofy tight end Rob Gronkowski is notorious for his drinking binges, showing up drunk (like, really, really drunk) in pictures all over the Internet. Cornerback Brandon Browner was suspended for the first four games of the year for violating the league’s performance enhancing drug policy. Julian Edelman wears too much eyeblack.
It does not get much worse than the Patriots. Pure evil.
Across the country, the Anti-Patriots (a.k.a the Seahawks) have emerged from the rainy foothills of Seattle. Their coach has actually smiled more than six times in his life. Their young quarterback might be an angel. Their running back eats Skittles during games. Their star cornerback talks trash and is not DeAngelo Hall. What’s not to love?
Quarterback Russell Wilson is basically Luke Skywalker (but better), ready to take down Emperor Hoody and Darth Brady and restore order and justice to the galaxy.
This is not hard. There is only one choice for a fan with a conscience to root for in this year’s Super Bowl: the Seattle Seahawks.
alex TICHENOR is the sports editor.